It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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