my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
