Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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