I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
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I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
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This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..