my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.