Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
