In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
