so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
