So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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