i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
