we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
