Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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