You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
