I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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