Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize
