remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
