rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
