You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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