he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
