so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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