You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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