she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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