dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
