Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How external is "for external use only"?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
