woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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