so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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