he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
