A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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