she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
