If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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