my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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