I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
