I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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