He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
