You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
