My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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