WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
