Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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