I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
