I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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