in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
