Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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