I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
