just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
