Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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