how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
