How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
