1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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