Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
