you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my shit smells like andre
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
