I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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