He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
