I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
