Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
