Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
