My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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