You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
