My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
