Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
