At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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