That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
